Douglas Stone

Fundamentally, using the blame frame makes conversations more difficult, while understanding the contribution system makes a difficult conversation easier and more likely to be productive.

Unspoken feelings can color the conversation in a number of ways. They alter your affect and tone of voice. They express themselves through your body language or facial expression. They may take the form of long pauses or an odd and unexplained detachment. You may become sarcastic, aggressive,

We don’t cry or lose our temper because we express our feelings too often, but because we express them too rarely. L

When people are having a hard time listening, often it is not because they don’t know how to listen well. It is, paradoxically, because they don’t know how to express themselves well. Unexpressed feelings can block the ability to listen.

Our listening ability often increases remarkably once we have expressed our own strong feelings.

Why? Because good listening requires an open and honest curiosity about the other person, and a willingness and ability to keep the spotlight on them. Buried emotions draw the spotlight back to us. Instead of wondering, “How does what they are saying make sense?” and “Let me try to learn more,” we have a record playing in our mind that is stuck in the groove of our own feelings: “I’m so angry with him!” “I feel like she just doesn’t seem to care about me,” “I feel so vulnerable right now.” It’s hard t

Learn That Your Feelings Are as Important as Theirs.

Find the Bundle of Feelings Behind the Simple Labels

A Landscape of Sometimes Hard-to-Find Feelings
Love
Affectionate, caring, close, proud, passionate
Anger
Frustrated, exasperated, enraged, indignant
Hurt
Let down, betrayed, disappointed, needy
Shame
Embarrassed, guilty, regretful, humiliated, self-loathing

Fear
Anxious, terrified, worried, obsessed, suspicious
Self-Doubt
Inadequate, unworthy, inept, unmotivated
Joy
Happy, enthusiastic, full, elated, content
Sadness
Bereft, wistful, joyless, depressed
Jealousy
Envious, selfish, covetous, anguished, yearning
Gratitude
Appreciative, thankful, relieved, admiring
Loneliness