Douglas Stone

Our anxiety results not just from having to face the other person, but from having to face ourselves. The conversation has the potential to disrupt our sense

who we are in the world, or to highlight what we hope we are but fear we are not. The conversation poses a threat to our identity – the story we tell ourselves about ourselves – and having our identity threatened can be profoundly disturbing.

Three Core Identities

There are probably as many identities as there are people. But three identity issues seem particularly common, and often underlie what concerns us most during difficult conversations: Am I competent? Am I a good person? Am I worthy of love?

the ground from beneath our feet.

biggest factor that contributes to a vulnerable identity is “all-or-nothing” thinking: I’m either competent or incompetent, good or evil, worthy of love or not.

Indeed, a self-image that allows for complexity is healthy and robust; it provides a sturdy foundation on which to stand.

as you move away from an all-or-nothing identity and toward a more complex view of who you are, you’ll notice that it is easier to accept certain parts of yourself that have given you trouble in the past.

more easily you can admit to your own mistakes, your own mixed intentions, and your own contributions to the problem, the more balanced you will feel during the conversation, and the higher the chances it will go well.

When you hold yourself to an all-or-nothing standard, even a small mistake can seem catastrophic and almost impossible to admit. If you are busy trying to shore up your “no mistakes, no failures” identity, you won’t be able to engage in a meaningful learning conversation.

1. You Will Make Mistakes. If you can’t admit to yourself that you sometimes make mistakes, you’ll find it more difficult to understand and accept the legitimate aspects of the other person’s story about what is going on.