Patricia Evans

Each specific instance of abuse does, however, momentarily alleviate the abuser’s hidden feelings of pain and powerlessness, leaving in their stead a sense of Power Over.

many abusers have a deeply buried feeling of guilt for having separated from their mothers.

His very identity would be at stake if he were to admit to what he was doing. This is why verbal abusers do not sincerely apologize.

The confirmed abuser identifies with (believes he is) his ideal image. Consequently, he cloaks his behavior in self-righteous denial.

His anger, fear, and self-loathing grow in a secret hidden part of himself and, since he hides this part of himself from himself, he is unable to recognize the source of these feelings. When they do surface, their source, to him, is his partner. This is projection.

Through this projection, he will accuse his partner of all that he does, and blame her for all the abuse that she suffers. She then becomes as he once was, wounded and without a witness to her wounding.

Consequently, his partner becomes the object of his control and this control becomes her oppression.

where there is oppression there is projection and out of projection comes denial.

Many partners said that when they told their mates that they felt hurt, their mates reacted with accusations such as, “Now you’re saying I’m an awful person” or “Now you’re attacking me.” This is projection. A nonabusive mate would express deep concern, and would apologize, or would talk over the matter with empathy and understanding.

His life becomes a battle against the one who carries his projection. From his stance she, like his feeling self, must not exist. He cannot see her for who she is, nor can he see her reality.

Focus on living in the present, and use all of the energy available to you to love and care for yourself.