Victoria Hemdorff Schapiro

I’m addicted to the toxics and blind to any red flag as long as he is above six feet tall and smells good.

But the thing that affected my body image negatively wasn’t the fact that she underwent procedures, it was the way she continued to voice her insecurities even after she had been through yet another surgery. She carried on with her self-deprecative monologues as if she didn’t have three daughters who were all ears, understanding her disordered behaviors as lectures on body image and self-worth.

I no longer saw food as something to be enjoyed, but rather as figures and digits which led me to steer clear of alcohol and meals out. My only goal was to shrink myself, and I was confident that putting numbers to everything I ate would restore my feeling of control entirely – but after some time, keeping track of my food intake caused me to avoid all social settings and, since I refused to exit my house, I completely disconnected from friends and family.

I felt tired of being so isolated, tired of being so anxious, tired of being so self-conscious, tired of being so calculated, and some evenings I encountered sudden strong feelings of worthlessness. I began to fear myself.

I thought that acknowledging my mental illness and speaking up about it would be like throwing myself a pity-party where everyone would tip-toe around me like I hadn’t just overheard their private mutterings that maybe therapy “just wasn’t working for me.”

Why do I always seem to strive for the unrealistic instead of accepting that some things are out of my control and that I should learn to value the qualities that make me unique? No wonder I am disappointing myself repeatedly. I am quite literally putting myself up for failure.

[Black and white thinking] hinders one’s problem-solving skills and when it becomes more difficult to deal with changes and problems, some end up avoiding more: you avoid being social, you avoid food, you avoid challenges, and then suddenly you end up with a shield closing you off from the outside world, and you are much more limited in what you can actually do in life.”

low sex drive, a

self-esteem and a messed-up childhood, c

could never fully commit to anything but gambling.