Michelle Zauner

It was the year her life ended and mine fell apart.

I wanted to embody a physical warning—that if she began to disappear, I would disappear too.

felt we could go on like this for years, just fixing her.

Now that she was gone, I began to study her like a stranger, rooting around her belongings in an attempt to rediscover her, trying to bring her back to life in any way that I could. In my grief I was desperate to construe the slightest thing as a sign.

These were the places my mother had wanted to visit before she died, the places she’d wanted to take me to before our last trip to Korea was quarantined to a hospital ward. The last memories my mother had wanted to share with me, the source of the things she raised me to love. The tastes she wanted me to remember. The feelings she wanted me to never forget.

But I know we are all here for the same reason. We’re all searching for a piece of home, or a piece of ourselves. We look for a taste of it in the food we order and the ingredients we buy. Then we separate.

It was the year her life ended and mine fell apart.

It was the year her life ended and mine fell apart.

Mommy is the only one who will tell you the truth, because Mommy is the only one who ever truly love you.

I would dust the shelves beneath and clean the glass with Windex, then try my best to reorganize them from memory, hoping my mother would return and reward me with affection.