Laura James

I need words. If I’m not reading words, listening to them or saying them out loud I feel jittery.

Situations I can’t control and events I can’t predict confuse me, whether they are negative or positive.

For me, the absence of sensation is better than experiencing anything too jarring, too unexpected, too new. I want to move through life with no sudden movements. Sameness is my anchor. I want each day to unfold quietly and predictably.

I cannot be moved to tears by the arts. But surely that’s OK? If I see a real person in trouble, I will do everything I can to help, so why does it matter that I can’t weep over an imagined life?

As Morticia Addams once said: ‘What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.’

They would know what it’s like to be of above average intelligence, but never to have managed to pass an exam

If I know I have a train to catch at noon, the hours between getting up and leaving for the station are rendered redundant.

would understand how getting a lovely surprise present is confusing and painful. They would know that all surprises – even those that I had been forewarned would be amazing – hurt, almost physically. A surprise is brutal. It comes without warning. It sparks the bad feelings.

My focus settles on deficits in non-verbal communication. ‘That’s true,’ I find myself whispering. I find eye contact uncomfortable and have to remember to do it.

I like thrillers. I enjoy working out the answers and being proven right.