Mel Robbins

must save yourself from yourself.

spent years trying to be everything for everyone else, thinking that if I could just do enough, say the right things, and keep everyone happy, I’d finally feel good about myself.
But what happens instead? You work harder, bend further, and shrink yourself smaller, and still, someone is disappointed. Still, someone criticizes. Still, you’re left feeling like no matter how hard you try, it’s never enough.

Buddhism and Radical Acceptance teach that suffering comes from resisting reality. The pain we feel often stems from wishing things were different than they are.

The truth is, other people hold no real power over you unless you give it to them.

The silent treatment is what an immature adult does when they’re upset and they don’t know how to process their emotions in a healthy and respectful manner.
So instead, they stop talking. They pretend nothing is wrong. And often, they ignore you. And if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of the silent treatment from a friend, a family member, or a co-worker, it’s painful, and your immediate instinct is to try to figure out what you did wrong.

There are three factors that I believe make great friendships possible: proximity, timing, and energy.

The reality is, people only change when they feel like changing. It doesn’t matter how much you want someone to change. It doesn’t matter how valid your reasons are. Or that you are right in your opinion that they should change. Or how big the consequences are if they don’t change. If someone doesn’t feel like changing, they won’t. And worse, when you pressure someone to change it just creates more tension, resentment, and distance in your relationships.

What you need to know, according to Dr. K, is simply that a human being will always feel like choosing what is pleasurable now, and avoiding what feels painful. In the moment, the work it takes to change is painful and hard. That’s why no one is motivated to change—even when they know it’s good for them in the long run.

People only change when they are ready to make that change for themselves. Stop punishing them for not changing on your timeline. Stop trying to “motivate” them into doing something they clearly don’t want to do.

In the ABC Loop, you have three steps:
A: APOLOGIZE, then ASK open-ended questions.
B: BACK OFF, and observe their BEHAVIOR.
C: CELEBRATE progress while you continue to model the CHANGE.