Chloe Michelle Howarth

Imagine a place where I could scream and not be heard, and fail and not be seen. A place where my insignificance would not hurt, because everybody would be insignificant. That is not where I am. Here, every breath is heard, every evil thought is known. It might be beautiful to look at, but it is abysmal to exist in; a sweet, sad dream. And while I could think of a million places that I would rather be, I fear that I will never have the nerve to leave.

It feels as though I am an island, apart from everybody else. Perhaps we are all islands, apart from each other. Perhaps everyone else feels foreign in their hometown too. Yes, perhaps we are all just islands, as wild and merciless as each other, separated by our countless defects. Perhaps there is no remedy for it, and all we can do is learn which parts of ourselves to deny and which parts to bring into the light.

There are so many unhappy people, I just don’t want to find out that I am one of them. They walk among us, they touch you, and you become them.

I want her to know that I would always be here to disappoint her, if she would only give me the chance.

Remember that, without the sweat on her sternum and the Autumn colour of her, in her most basic and fleshy form, she is only another piece of the earth, the same as me. We are all just pieces of the earth.

My patience for things unsaid has grown very thin, I don’t see the romance in it anymore.

We are a dream together. Why am I trying to confuse things? Why do I allow my greatest pleasure to be my greatest panic?

When the Debs is over, I will have no plans at all. Nothing will be coming, nothing will be going, I will just exist until I don’t. For the first time, a little part of me feels jealous of the girls that are going to college, only because they have the next four years of their lives planned. They don’t need to fall into the unknown yet. I am much too young for this uncertainty, am I not?

These days all anyone wants to talk about is what is going to happen next, so much so that nobody cares about what’s happening now.

To be with her is a sin, to be without her is a tragedy.