Самые лучшие английские анекдоты

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…

What is the longest word in the English language? “Smiles”. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!

A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,“Got any fresh fruit?” “No.” “Got any fresh vegetables?” “No. We have only canned and dry goods.”
The next day, the duck returns. “Got any fresh fruit?” “No.” “Got any fresh vegetables?” “No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I’ll nail your flippers to the floor.”
On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks, “Got any nails?” “No.” “Got any fresh fruit?”

The difference between dogs and cats. A dog thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be gods!” A cat thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a god!”

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.”
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, “You cannot do this, I’m a congressman!”
The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

“What’s worse than finding a maggot in an apple?”
“Finding half a maggot!

I have good news and bad news”, the defence lawyer[43] says to his client.
“What’s the bad news?”
The lawyer says:
“Your blood matches the DNA[44] found at the murder scene.[45]”
“Dammit![46]” cries the client. “What’s the good news?”
“Well,” the lawyer says. “Your cholesterol is down to 140.”

Mother (in a low tone): Tommy, your grandfather is very sick. Can’t you say something nice to him to cheer him a bit?

Tommy: Grandfather, wouldn’t you like to have soldiers at your funeral

While attending a convention

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
“Da-ad…” “What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?[39]” “No. You had your chance. Lights out![40]”
Five minutes later:
“Da-aaaad…” “WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY… Can I have a drink of water?”
“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!”
Five minutes later…
“WHAT?!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”