The Art of Everyday Assertiveness

It might sound insignificant, but it’s absolutely not. It’s analogous to the difference between feeling like you’re drowning versus treading water effortlessly.

Second, I felt like people would hate me if I disagreed with them.

First, I didn’t know that it was okay to say no to people.

Three friends had been meaning to meet up, so Keisha booked a table for dinner that night. She ordered the most expensive meal because her promotion allowed her to treat herself. Michael hadn’t told them he was recovering from gastric flu and didn’t order food, excusing himself, sweating and shaking, to throw up halfway through the meal.
Gita had paid out for unexpected car repairs that day and, hiding a gasp when she saw the prices, just ordered a side dish so she could afford a much-needed drink.
When the bill came, Keisha told the waiter they would split it three ways.
Michael resented paying for their food when he should have been at home in bed, but he agreed, not wanting to disappoint Keisha. Gita, probably helped along by the house wine on an almost empty stomach, passive-aggressively groused that Keisha was too controlling and they should have cancelled. There was palpable tension in the air until things became obvious and plain.

if it sounds familiar, then welcome to the first step in taking back your time, energy, and life.

“Why didn’t you both just say?” Keisha asked as she theatrically paid for the entire meal amidst protests that turned into deafening silence. That was the last time they met up as friends.

Third, I literally didn’t know the words to use.

Michael’s passive behavior stemmed from feeling too guilty to tell Keisha he wasn’t well enough to meet up; he felt obligated to make it out. Gita was ashamed of her financial situation and fearful of judgment, which bubbled into mistrust of Keisha’s intentions.

Assertiveness is, in theory, as easy as saying those simple phrases: “No,” “I don’t want to,” and “Are you trying to take advantage of me?” But in practice, it’s one of the most difficult lines to tread.

How can you get your message across without insulting or enraging others? Is there a way to balance your needs with the requests of others?